I'm Not Sad, I'm Just Drawn That Way

So last week was undeniably sad. But it was also strangely exhilarating. Snuffing out a relationship that has been breathing it's last pathetic sputtering breaths for several months is rather empowering. The most difficult thing I've ever done for certain, but very empowering. And breaking up doesn't have to mean erasing somebody from your life. In fact, removing romantic obligations from a relationship can have a weird way of bringing people closer together. I swear, I've never liked HIM so much as I do at this moment because having had the "talk" he's finally communicating with me.

Sure, one can be jaded and think that he's only communicating in a lame way to win me back, but I choose to be an optimist here.

And so, I dedicated the weekend to groovy self-indulgent activities such as happy hour, cheeseburgers, OC re-runs DVRd from Soapnet, visiting a particularly lovely bartender, and above all, surrounding myself with the company of friends.

But now, it's time to move on. I've rehashed the story enough times now that I am sick of hearing about it. Emotionally trying times call for one thing and that thing is: productivity. On Saturday for instance, I assembled my two new Crate and Barrel Sloan Leaning Bookcases. The instructions called for two people; I managed just fine on my own. Well, there was the part about putting the first case together backward, but once I ID'd that snaffu I plugged along very productively. See? Who needs a man when you can assemble your own furniture?

And on Sunday I purchased the Omnivore's Dillema by Michael Pollan, part for pleasure but also because it will help me at  my job. When was the last time I read a brainy non-fiction book? I can't remember.

I have this problem with unstructured time. Without firm plans I tend to waste lots of time futzing about with nothing to show for it. LIkewise, I tend to  get stuck. In my apartment, in repetitive thoughts, in unproductive relationships. I don't know how to fix this other than to make myself busy. So this week will be packed with knitting groups, yoga classes and finally volunteering with the books to prison group that meets near work that I have been pathetically bad at hooking up with.

All of this also means being single with no romantic prospects for the first time in over a year. Which is a fine but alien feeling. Even though one reason why I bailed on the relationship was to meet somebody capable of committing, I now feel wholly ambivalent about doing so. I guess I just don't feel like actively trying, which is good because actively trying usually leads to all sorts of bad things. If this last sentiment is too vague, just scroll through the past pages of this blog and the original HP for all sorts of tortured ramblings. If you'd like, turn on some Rilo Kiley while reading them. Then share a cosmic high five with me for moving past all that.

Well, here's hoping.

Comments

[Shannon]

Are you ambivalent? Well, I am and I'm not...

I was in back-to-back relationships, and totally forgot how to be single. Take your time, live life at your own speed, and see what happens.

[LivitLuvit]

Congrats, woman. Enjoy the freedom. And props to you for realizing when it was time to be done...

[bettyjoan]

Are we the same person? I have the Sloan leaning bar unit, and I devoured (pun intended) Omnivore's Dilemma. ;-)

Seriously, congrats to you--enjoy whatever comes next.

[Zandria]

That's an interesting observation about the breakup -- "sad but exhilarating." I felt the same way earlier this year when I went through the same situation. I was sad and hurt, but I also felt an immense sense of relief...

[Elizabeth W.]

Wow- I'm impressed with how together and self-aware you are about where you are- at a time when it's hard to be so clear and eloquent.

I'm sure I'm not the first to recommend "Eat Pray Love" as good post-breakup reading. But I may be the first to warn that Eat and Pray will be full of exciting resonance... but Love may be worth shelving until your emotions feel less raw.