The One Where I Delete My Online Dating Profile

I am not having what you would call a great day. I greeted the morning by pressing snooze half a dozen times on my alarm, could barely muster the enthusiasm to dress for work, and have spent the majority of the day feeling mopey and unengaged. I wasn't sure if it was going to get any worse and then it did.

Nerve.com sent me an email informing me of communication from a potential new suitor. Despite the fact that I have basically written off all online dating as a haven for freaks, misanthropes, the deformed and the maladjusted (this is just my experience, I know that some of you feel differently), my morbid curiosity got the better of me and I moseyed on over to read my mail.

Oh, how I wish I hadn't.

Did my inbox contain a well thought-out message from an attractive, interesting man politely introducing himself in a manner that would compel an attractive, interesting woman such as myself to strike up an online flirtation?

Did the message ooze chivalry, charm and a certain je ne sais quoi?

No. No on both counts.

If the message were a greeting to a person in real time, it would be a Neanderthalic grunt followed by a tug of my metaphorical pony tail and a kick to my teeth.

It said something to the effect of me man, you woman, in town for business, lets get it on.

That in itself wasn't so terrible. That in itself would have warranted a roll of the eyes and a shrug of the shoulders.

It was what accompanied said message: the photos he had included of himself, naked, proudly displaying his manhood in all its tumescent glory.

Call me a prude, but that form of wooing doesn't fly with me. Maybe it does with some women. If it does, I care not to know. Despite some very ill-advised one night stands in my twenties, I am generally the sort of woman who believes that nudity is the sort of thing you should work up to in a relationship. I don't have a firm rule on this like some women--my rule of thumb is to keep an open mind but that it's generally not something I feel comfortable with right off the bat. Indeed, I have grown extremely guarded in recent years when it comes to sharing myself with other people.

And how am I rewarded for this new-found maturity? I get flashed by some idiot f*cktard oblivious to the rules of common decency. In recent weeks I have found myself caring less and less about dating.  While I haven't given up looking per say, the whole concept has slid extremely far down the priority list now occupying the space slightly below dusting my bookcases and organizing my sock drawer.

And this new development? It's not really helping.

Now where did I put my whimple?

Comments

[Shannon]

Oh, my. Last year I got a picture of a man in tighty-whities and a wifebeater (the two least fortunate male garments). That was bad enough. Not sure how I'd react to a weenie pic.

However, excellent use of the word, "tumescent."

[Brett]

Ew. In general, I give online dating a big FAIL.

[restaurant refugee]

So sorry about that - I thought you would like the picture.

[mysterygirl!]

Ugh! Moments like that you wish you could reply something like, "if that's all I were packing, I wouldn't be flashing it around."

At least he saved you some time-- usually it takes me multiple hours of my life (if not weeks or months) to learn what a jerk someone is.

[Jamie]

This would be way better if you had posted the pictures too.

[Ryane]

Wow. Just...wow. I guess he figured on a site called nerve.com, he should at least display some, but seriously? You are far nicer than me because I'm sure I'd of emailed him back with a few choice words. F*cktard doesn't even begin to cover it!

[Fiery Nuggets]

What is disconcerting is that he used this method and, therefore, has likely had success in the past. WTF ladies of nerve.com? Self-respect much?

[Shevonne]

I know what you mean. I have sworn off online dating and well....dating in general. It's really hard to find someone in a city.

[Susan]

I dabbled in the online dating arena but it was idiots like this that turned me off faster than a light switch.

I had pretty much given up on dating and finally started enjoying being single and finding myself then low and behold, the perfect man stumbled into my life. We've been together for 2.5 years and many more to come. Funny what you find when you aren't looking.

[zipcode]

oh wow, come join shannon and me on our mancation

[Didi]

Not that I'm excusing the idiot, but I've always been under the impression nerve.com was just for people looking to hook up, not serious dating. I'm not a huge fan of online dating, but I've met a few decent guys that way. Maybe try something with a better reputation?

[HP]

Didi: Not necessarily. Nerve is the site that feeds into the Onion, Salon and a few other "alt pubs." You can very clearly state whether you're looking for dating, play, long-term relationship, etc. While it does attract a less "mainstream" personality, Nerve is by no means purely a hookup site. Also, my profile makes it pretty clear that I'm not looking purely for a hookup. Moreover, having been on other sites I can say with great authority that online dating doesn't attract the sort of man I'd be inclined to date. But I'm glad you've been more successful.

Zip: No thanks, but I expect a postcard.

Susan: I'm happy for you that you found happiness in a relationship.

FN: Yeah, weird.

Ryane: I didn't want to encourage him further.

J: I don't our IT departments would like that much. Oh, wait...

MG: Yes, true. Online dating is a great method of learning who you shouldn't be with--i.e guys, who online date.

RR: Next time try flowers.

B: EPIC fail.

Shann: Thanks, perhaps a career as a smutty novelist is in my future.

[Merujo]

A few years ago - before I completely gave up on online dating after the e-mail from the crematory owner who liked to dress up as an imperial officer from "Star Wars" while working - I got a graphic boudoir glamor shot as a "bonus" from some dude named Thor. He proudly displayed, uh, Thor's "hammer" in all it's glory and soft focus (complete with a mural of the hills of Rome in the background!!) A friend was visiting from my Midwestern hometown when this nightmare arrived. She took one look at it and said, "Omigod, that's Thor XXX-son - I went to Lutheran summer camp with him!" We sent Thor an e-mail suggesting that the only things he should nail are theses to doors.

[Zandria]

Okay…wow. The thing about Match, at least, is that when someone emails me, I can only see the pictures they’ve put on their profile. And those pictures have been screened by Match staff before they’re published. I’ve been contacted a few times by people who said they’re going to be in DC on business, but at least I don’t have to deal with nude photos. Insanity!

[Sheron]

Check out another but unique 100% free online dating at http://www.promatching.com/

[Jan @ Struck by Serendipity]

WHY WHY WHY do guys think we want to see them naked online?

[LA Cochran]

I could have sworn I left a comment here. Was it offensively kill worthy or am I technologically addled? (Or both?)

[Online Dating]

lol... funny story... better luck next time